just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
it was like eating out sand paper
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
