if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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