dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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