his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
