discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i will never coherently bang her
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
