Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
