it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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