I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
