Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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