I think my fart just growled at me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize