My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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