I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am one with the molecules
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize