hotel room ftw
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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