Fine. I'll sleep in my office
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
