I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my liver is dry heaving
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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