Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
