smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
