Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
