my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
