drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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