Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
