it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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