I faked an abortion last night.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
