Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
