God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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