There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
pray to the hookup gods
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize