I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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