Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
