Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
