so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
