The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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