I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
