I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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