I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
