I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
