rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
