i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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