Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
