I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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