god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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