I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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