Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
