i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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