Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
