Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
is that a dick in a sweater?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
