Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
