every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
