My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
