Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize