Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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