i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
