i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
