Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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