Umm I'm too high to move.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
