Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
