Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
