We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
