i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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