Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize