Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I can't turn off my feet"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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