"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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