Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
