Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
